My father was in the Royal Nepal Army. As I was growing up, my uncle, brother and father would always talk about wartime activities. My home was also near to the barracks. I frequently saw army personnel roaming through the fields of my village. I was much impressed by their uniform, personality and discipline. Working for the government seemed a prestigious profession. I wanted to be like that. I wanted to feel more bold.
Growing up, I never felt attracted to girls. I agreed with my father when he wanted to search for boys to for me to marry. Sometimes he would come home and tell me that he was out searching for boys for me and that he found none. "Oh, that's OK, I can marry a girl instead," I would joke, and we laughed together. At that time I was so young, I didn't feel like my real self.
When the army finally started admitting women, it felt like fate. I was in the army for one year, and then, after the incident with Bhakti, I was expelled for fifteen days. They called my father and told him that now I could go home and complete my studies. Since childhood, I had been very keen to join the army. Then all of these incidents with homosexuality charges happened. My father took me home. I was so depressed. I lost my career – my everything. My world was so blank that I could hardly even stand. I had never been punished before.
After the incident, people in my village were gossiping about my character. From my room, I could hear them. There were rumours that I was pregnant out of wedlock. Not only that, when I went out of the house, they would confront me publicly. I was always completely speechless, completely blank. I stopped coming out of my room. I watched TV, played with my mobile and cried.