Abnormally yours
1. The world isn't big enough for two fizzy drinks, so in the interest of downsizing the workforce, Pepsi and Coke have decided to get hitched and form a new soda called (what else?) Poke. Enjoy!
2. Within a year there will only be one big global accounting firm, and it will be called: Morgan, Stanley, Dean, Witter, Price, Waterhouse, Cooper, Booz, Allen, Hamliton, K, P, M & G, PLC.
3. Federal Express and UPS will merge to become FedUp, while DHL will team up with TNT to launch a rival courier giant named Go Man Go.
4. When Citibank gobbles up Maruti Udyog, the resulting company will no doubt be called CitiZen.
5. If 3M and Goodyear decide to tie the knot, the new company will be MmmGood.
6. Freeport Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining will become Mine All Mine.
7. Fairchild and Honeywell will get together to form Fairwell Honeychild, Inc.
8. One of these days Deutsche Bank is going to take over Toshiba, and we're pretty sure they're going to call it Dosh-iba.
10. When Apple Computers and MacDonald's merge, as they no doubt one day will, a slew of new see-thru iMacs with names like Cheeseburger Turbo, Small Fry III, or new portable Nuggets To Go will go on sale.
MacDonald's outlets for their part, will offer Apple Power Pie free with every purchase of a Supersaver Lunchpack above Rs 350.
Spurred by the cash of titans, our desi conglomerates have also shown they are not far behind in corporate nuptials. Tata's led the way by recently taking over Tetley, and now there is no limit to how far we can go. If Tata bought Bata next, we'd have a company called Batata. (Slogan: "On your hands and feet!")
Speaking of Batata, Banana Republic is contemplating an asset purchase of Khadi Udyog of India to manufacture a new line of khaki dhotis called Mohandas. and this just in: Paan Parag and Wrigley's are investing heavily in research and development of a more hygienic beetle gum that you can actually chew, and when you thoo, you thoo a less-messy gooey gum rather than something that looks like the chewer is vomiting blood. The new product will be marketed under the trademark: Paan American (slogan: "Now in your gum put it, and chew it.")
Future tie-ups also include the imminent merger between Pakistan International Airlines (PIA) and Indian airlines (IA), soon to be called P-IA (Pakistani-Indian Airlines) setting new standards for inflight service somewhere over the western sector.
There may come a time when South Asians don't just merge companies, political parties with similar lack of vision and direction will merge across frontiers. The Congress (I) and the Nepali Congress will get together to jointly fight elections in disputed border areas under the new name: Indo-Nepal Congress.
But things can get a bit far. If we are not careful, entire countries may start merging. To magnify their miniscule presence, for instance, Bhutan and the Maldives could decide to form a joint-venture nation-state called Bhudives with its own flag, a rotational leadership and a long-term strategy to relocate Male to the Himalaya when sea levels begin to rise.