Veerappan Ban Gaya CROREPATI

It was bound to happen. After gorging himself on all the GK books available in the plush jungle flora and getting some from Bangalore, Koose (“hernia” in one dialect) Muniswamy Veerappan´s call (made from the sandalwood booth) finally got through to the Kaun Banega Crorepati show. The ultimate showdown then took place: Big B meets Big B, Hero vs Villain, Icon confronts Con, and vice versa.

Amitabh Bachchan:Welcome to our show, Mr Veerappan. We´ve heard so much about you, you are a legend.

Veerappan:Thanks anna.

Mr B: Now to the first question. Which animal has tusks: a) Bill Clinton b) Elephant c) Tamil Tiger d) Forest Officer.

Mr V: That´s an easy one anna, it´s of course the elephant, although I have heard about Clinton anna´s tusk force.

Mr B: Are you sure about the answer? Confident?

Mr V: Completely, I swear on all the elephants that I have martyred.

Mr B: Yes, you´ve got it right. Interesting profession yours, Mr Veerappan.

Mr V: You bet anna, what´s the next question, I am in a hurry, that old man Rajkumar is waiting.

Mr B: Who among these is a bandit: a) Jayalalitha b) Phoolan Devi c) Benazir Bhutto d) Chandrika Kumaratunga

Mr V: That´s a tough one, Jaya amma most definitely is one, but she is not in my league. Who are these last two, never heard their name, I shall go for Phoolan Devi.

Mr B: Computerji lock kiya jae.

Mr V: What are you doing anna, why are you talking to that machine?

Mr B: This is called a computer and you have to talk to it otherwise it won´t work.

Mr V: Oh don´t give me that, during my routine trips to Bangalore, the Silly Valley, and sending emails to my distinguished outlaw friends in the world, I never had to talk to the computer.

Mr B (embarrassed): The STAR TV guys told me so, I shall check with them.

Mr V: Anyway, is my answer correct?

Mr B: Please excuse me, we´ll tell you that after a small break.

(Veerappan, mustachio bristling reaches out for the gun.)

Mr B: No please don´t do that, if we don´t have this break, we will not have any crore to pay you.

Mr V: Ok anna, it´s just that I get impatient.

Break-time: The Moustache is sipping tea with the Baritone.

Mr V: Anna, why don´t Hindi movie heroines like to kiss moustaches? Our Tamil girls feed daily on oiled handlebars.

Mr B: Ever thought of getting into the movies, will don´t you play the villain in my next one?

Mr V: No anna, that wouldn´t be exciting, I am hero material. Why don´t you play the villain, you are now just too old to run around with the girls. Anyway, Hindi movie heroes are all so boring, mama´s boys smooching girls who pretend to like it. But the villains are classy, and have a sense of justice. Most of the time they turn rapists just because the heroines are spending time with such useless men.

Mr B: Now we have a deal here.

Mr V: And I want Rekha as my heroine.

Mr B: The secret with Rekha is that unlike other Tamil girls, she doesn´t like moustaches.

Mr V (caressing his oiled twirls): Anything for her, anything…

 End of break. Veerappan has had a shave, his first after birth (ad copy: “The blade that shaved Veerappan”). Bacchan looks taller and ever more like India´s uncle.

Mr B: Welcome back, and yes Mr Veerappan, you are absolutely correct, it´s Phoolan Devi.

Mr V: I knew, we could have been the made-for-each-other couple. But who´s Chandrika and Benazir?

Mr B: Benazir is the queen of Pakistan, while Chandrika is a Sri Lankan film actress.

Mr V: Anna you know so much.

Mr B: Now to the next question: Who is the father of India? a) Mahatma Gandhi b) Mohammed Ali Jinnah c) Lord Rama d) None of the above

Mr V: Oh this one I really don´t know. Please give me a hint anna, if you can tell me the mother´s name, maybe I shall be able to tell.

Mr B: Uh, er, that´s not possible. Do you want to use your “lifeline”?

Mr V: The gun you mean? I shall be only too happy to. Sorry anna, you are kidnapped. (Veerappan trains his gun on a sweating Bachchan) Sorry folks, end of show. Veerappan Ban Gaya Crorepati!